How My Mind Works
They say anxiety is related to the future, and depression is rooted in the past. I have both these days - both depression and anxiety in varying amounts.
Depression related to my past decisions that (perhaps) led to my current health predicament: the way I relied on my intuition, past experiences and knowledge of my body/health etc to heal myself ‘naturally’ and/or to decide to seek medical help.
I felt assured, in control, strong and healthy, even when I did go to the GP. Nearly 3 months later there was still no treatment and, by then, was desperately in need of it. I couldn’t have known the steps, the time ladder, the speed of declining health - not unless I’d been a cancer patient before or happened to have read specific books/blogs etc on the specific subject (which I hadn’t).
A better investment, in my mind, was always to prevent rather than cure - to build a lifestyle and committed practice around becoming strong and healthy. That way I’d never need meds, GP appointments, intrusive tests and interventions (that almost always carry side effects). This was a reasonable plan in my mind and, long term, really the only plan if one is to live long, strong and healthy.
After all:
1) all the people I knew, learned from and studied benefited greatly from this approach;
2) I’d directly experienced that it worked - every time my life systems and habits improved, so did my health, well-being and physical resilience etc;
3) Western Medicine, as far as I could tell, was flawed, unreliable, frustrating and had unfortunate side effects always;
4) I didn’t fall into any of the ‘high risk’ categories for serious illnesses of any kind (eg. I didn’t smoke or drink, I was very athletic and in shape, ran and meditated every day, had a pretty good diet and was only 34 years old) - I didn’t even have asthma, hay fever or allergies of any kind.
Back to my recent past and so-called ‘depression’…
Until my health is completely resolved it’s hard to imagine forgiving myself and others fully for this past sequence of events. I sympathise, more than ever, with certain kinds of depression, fuelled by past regrets. I can imagine that if someone lost a child or had killed someone (for instance) that those regretful thoughts might last forever.
No matter how much we rationalise things - there is only the ‘now’, the past is over, we couldn’t have known, we did the best we could at the time etc - when your timeline has shifted so dramatically then it’s nearly impossible to forget the reasons that might’ve caused it.
Equally, the simple ‘cause and effect’ illusion is hard to fully ignore: eg. the no-doubt false idea that one specific things causes any one specific outcome. In reality, it’s always a lifetime of conditioning, learning, experiences, freak coincidences, choices, interactions, relationships etc that lead us somewhere. When in pain and despair, however, the mind wants the black and white answer (of course).
I was lucky perhaps to have enjoyed 34 years of self-designed worldly adventures, business ventures, lifestyle experiments, physical practices and creative pursuits etc, all with confidence and health; and highly ‘UN’lucky perhaps to have been taken down (seemingly) at random by a sarcoma that mostly finds children under the age of 10.
In response to this mental health cascase I’ve been enduring, I notice there are 3 clear choices or ‘mindsets’ possible moving forward (applicable to everyone I feel, in one way or another):
A) I was not to blame. I’m not in control. My past, present and future isn’t up to me. I’m a helpless victim and only a lucky roll of the dice can change things
B) I 100% caused my current situation, for better or for worse. I am fully in control of everything that happens to me - my mind, body and health. The future is completely decided by my own actions and decisions.
C) (The Goldilocks Zone) There are things I can control and my experience of life depends largely on taking conscious ownership of such things. Equally, we can never know or predict everything, and so having acceptance and compassion for my own limitations and shortcomings, as well as certain areas we can’t control, is important to feel content, self-loving and realistic regarding one’s life trajectory.
Perhaps these mindsets fluctuate and intertwine, and all have a certain place and context. Nonetheless, the Goldilocks Zone is the delicate place I hold onto and continue to navigate as I slowly progress through my many cycles of treatment…
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